To,
My Anima,
Somewhere In Me,
Wherever I go.
Dear Anima,
Hey buddy, I hope you’re doing fine there. It’s pretty cold out here. I know we haven’t talked for a while and I’m sorry for that. I haven’t even talked with my wife about many things but, you’re a part of me, you’re in me so you do deserve to know- obviously you might have already suspected that I’m not okay.
It’s been quite a long time since we last talked. I guess it was after my divorce two years back. Well, you know after that I had her with me and I shared everything with her but things seem different. I don’t feel the same as before. I’m not me anymore.
After everything I’ve been through the last six months, the conspiracies against me, loosing job, fighting for it, working in wages to make a living, and now, only lying in the room, jobless. She knows about all of these, my wife, but I still don’t feel satisfied, contented. I mean, there was a time when I would do nothing else that talk to her about whatever going through and all the problems would vanish in a heartbeat. There’s nothing wrong between us, yet, I feel incomplete, lonely. I feel that I’m a bad son, a bad husband, a bad brother and now after what happened today, a bad father.
Today, after everything, I’ve come to you to seek help. Could you please explain my daughter? Explain her, why I couldn’t be there with her when she stood first in singing. Explain her, why I had to be at home after allthese months that I was away. She thinks I’m making my way away from her by living in a separate room and not with her and her mother. She thinks I have changed after I was thrown away from my job as I don’t let her close to me anymore. Could you please explain her that I am infected with Rubeola and she could be infected even if she stands in from of me.
I have failed her, I have failed my parents, my sister, my wife and now my daughter. I have failed everyone I’ve come across. I confront it to her, my daughter. Would you please anyhow tell her how much I love her? Would you please tell her that I am not like my father whom she hated, or like other dad's who give excuses for not being present.
Would you please tell her that I'll have to leave, forever. Please tell her not to hate me coz I did everything I could to keep her happy. Please tell her that I love her so so much. My wife understands all of this, but, it would be better if I said it to her before I leave. You know I can’t, I haven’t the balls for it.
I’ll leave soon, maybe before back home.
Just tell her that I love her so much, that there were reasons I couldn’t tell her many things and I'm sorry for that. She will know, she will understand when she grows up, but, if at all she doesn’t, I will never be able to forgive myself. They say there is an after life place for all the phantoms, I reckon I won't live in peace there as well if she doesn’t forgive me for what I have done while I lived.
And now, in my last breath, I can see her childhood and each and every day that I spent with her.
'Forgive me Mary!'
Your's forever hated,
Real self.